How do I begin changing my life?
Do you want to change something in your life but are not quite sure where to begin? Perhaps you know exactly what you want, but find it hard to make it happen. Or perhaps you mainly feel that something is not quite right, that you long for things to be different. You may already have tried several times. Made up your mind, found your motivation and got started, only to find yourself back where you began after a while.
It is easy to think this is about a lack of discipline, motivation or willpower. That you simply need to try a little harder. But change is rarely that simple.
We all have different experiences, needs and circumstances. We carry established patterns, beliefs about ourselves and ways of dealing with life that we have developed along the way. Change also needs to fit into an everyday life where many other things already need to work.
That is why I believe we sometimes need to begin at a different point. Before thinking about everything we should do differently, we need to understand a little more about ourselves. Where we are, what we need and what we actually want.
Here are five small steps that may help you get started. With a little more understanding of yourself, and with the life you actually live as your starting point.
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Start where you are – not where you think you should be
When we want to change something, we often look ahead. Towards what we want to achieve, how we want to feel or what we want to do differently. To find a way forward, we also need to know where we are starting, and to discover where we actually are, we sometimes need to pause.
In an everyday life where much runs on routine, it is easy to keep doing what we usually do without really noticing how we are doing, what we feel or what we need. Becoming more aware does not have to be complicated. It might mean sitting quietly for a moment, taking a few conscious breaths, going for a walk without listening to anything, or simply pausing in the middle of the day to ask yourself:
How am I really doing?
Give yourself a little room to listen inwardly.
Perhaps you want to exercise regularly, but your everyday life barely leaves room for recovery. Or you want to get better at setting boundaries, but are used to putting other people's needs before your own.
As you begin exploring your current situation, try setting judgement aside. You do not need to decide whether you are doing things right or wrong. Start by noticing how things actually are. This gives you a more realistic starting point for the change you want to create.
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Understand what you long for and why it matters to you
We are often quite good at describing what we do not want. Less stress, fewer obligations, less time on our phones.
But what do you want instead?
As long as we mainly describe what we want to move away from, it is easy to keep directing our attention towards it. When we begin putting what we actually want into words, it becomes easier to notice possibilities and actions that can take us in that direction.
Our attention is selective. The brain cannot process everything around us equally, but prioritises, among other things, what is relevant to our goals and expectations. That is why clarifying what we want to move towards can be helpful, rather than focusing only on what we want to avoid.
Perhaps the wish to exercise is not just about exercise itself, but about a need to feel stronger, have more energy or be able to do things that matter to you. Perhaps wanting to set boundaries is about a need for recovery, freedom or time for your relationships.
Behind what we want to change, there is often something we need or value. Once you have put what you long for into words, take a moment to consider why it matters. And once you have answered, try asking why again. Sometimes we need to move beyond the first, fairly obvious answers to understand what the change actually means to us.
Research on motivation highlights, among other things, the importance of self-determination and experiencing personal meaning in what we do. There is a difference between changing something because we feel we should and doing it because we see its value for ourselves.
That is exactly why your reasons need to be your own. Rooted in what you personally find important, regardless of what social norms, colleagues, family or people around you think you should do. The more clearly you understand what matters to you, the easier it may become to use it as guidance when making choices.
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Explore what helps you and what gets in the way
Knowing what we want does not always mean we do it. We can have knowledge, willingness and a clear picture of what we wish to change, yet still carry on as usual. There can be many explanations for this.
Our behaviour is influenced by everything from established patterns, thoughts and feelings to our surroundings, relationships and the energy we have available. Sometimes we do things almost automatically. At other times, we choose what feels easiest or safest in the moment, even though we want something different in the longer term.
Imagine that you want to get better at saying no. You know you need to prioritise recovery, but when someone asks for help, you still say yes.
Perhaps you do not want to disappoint anyone. Perhaps you are used to always being there for others. Or perhaps you simply have not had much practice expressing your own needs.
When we begin understanding why we do what we do, it also becomes easier to notice what we may need to do differently. Even before you begin making a change, it can therefore be useful to explore what might help you move forward and what could make it difficult.
Is there something in your everyday life that needs to change? Something you need to prepare? Someone who can support you? Or a familiar way of thinking or acting that you need to become more aware of?
This is not about predicting and solving absolutely everything, but about giving yourself better conditions from the start.
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Take a small step that works in your real life
Perhaps you already have a little more understanding of where you are, what you want and what may affect your ability to move forward. You can begin using that understanding as you plan your next step.
Instead of simply deciding what you will do, you can create a plan that takes into account what you actually know about yourself and your everyday life. And the first step does not need to be big.
If you want to make more room for recovery, you might start with five minutes to yourself after work. If you want to get better at setting boundaries, you could start by giving yourself time to think before saying yes.
The small step may feel insignificant, but it gives you a chance to begin turning your wishes into action and to keep going even when life happens and your circumstances change.
Research shows that concrete action plans can help us move from intention to action. Deciding when and in which situation we will do something can make it easier to actually get started.
You may also need to free up time, ask for help or set something else aside to make room for the new.
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Follow up, get to know yourself and adjust along the way
Change rarely follows a straight line. Some days things work as we intended; other days they do not work at all. And this is often where we begin to doubt ourselves.
I knew I would not manage it. I have no discipline. Now I have to start all over again.
Perhaps you recognise these thoughts. Sometimes they are old beliefs about ourselves resurfacing. It is important to distinguish between what actually happened and how we interpret it. Not doing what you had planned is an event. Taking it to mean that you lack discipline or will never succeed is an interpretation, not an unquestionable truth.
Could you try a different thought that helps you move forward?
It did not work this time. What can I learn from that?
Setbacks are part of the process of change. We do not need to make them bigger than they are.
Was the step too big? Did you have too little energy? Did it clash with something else? Or do you simply need to try a different approach?
Research on habit formation shows that the time it takes for a behaviour to become more automatic can vary greatly. Missing a single occasion need not significantly affect the process either.
What matters is giving yourself the chance to learn along the way. Try also to show yourself the same compassion you would show your best friend who is trying. It helps a great deal.
Which step would you like to start with?
You do not need to change everything at once. Nor do you need to have the whole path worked out.
Perhaps these five steps have helped you notice something you had not thought about before. A need you want to start listening to more closely, a pattern that influences your choices or a small action you want to try.
And remember that you may never feel completely ready. Sometimes confidence in our own ability only comes when we start trying, gain experience and discover that we can do more than we thought.
Would you like to keep exploring self-awareness and self-leadership? Create Change – Inside Out is my online programme with six modules, the first of which is Start Where You Are. Read about the programme and see whether it could be your next step.